The Epic Proportion Life of A Lovelorn

A Poem for Via

2006-05-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

Kita Sama Manusia

Saat kacau
yang terpendam jadi rahsia
meletuskan imaji yang bermacam
kalau kau mahu…menangislah
lepaskan semua
jangan sembunyi lagi
kerna mereka tak akan mengerti
sama juga aku
tapi aku hulurkan sapu tangan
dan keringkan air matamu
menunggu kau tenang
ceritakan…
betapa yang kau lalui
kau rasai
kau tanggungi
aku mengerti
kerna bahasanya emosi
dan kita sama manusia
punya hati
yang bisa berkongsi

[4 Mei 2006, 4.45AM]

Projeksi Memori Silih Berganti

2006-05-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

Memandang ke langit
di sana hamparan bintang
mengisi vakum
aku seorang
mengira detik, saat, minit, jam yang berlalu
dan terus bertanya:
apa yang patut aku buat ?
detik
saat
minit
jam
terus berlalu
projeksi memori silih berganti
terpampang hidupku
aku tak biasa menghakimi
apakah hidupku boleh diertikan
sebagai sebuah kehidupan yang biasa ?
kesilapan
peluang
harapan
takdir
jadi simpang-simpang jalan
yang mana harus kupilih ?
berpatah balik ?
terus ke depan ?
ke jalan berliku ?
atau terus menunggu ?
projeksi memori silih berganti
detik
saat
minit
jam
terus berlalu
di mana aku ?

[4 Mei 2006, 3.43AM]

My Mood Ring...heheh !

2006-05-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

Your Mood Ring is Dark Red

Very happy
Love
Passion

Mood Ring Generator

Of Mr.Bean pillow

2006-04-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

I went out with my friends last night, out of an impuls and the need to avoid 'someone' who has been very keen on coming to my room.

We went to Gurney Plaza - Una, Via, Ririn, Nia, Bone, Meju, Matt (who was reluctant at first because he is having a paper tomorrow and he had to persuade GD to come along, though GD kept on reminding Matt about his coming paper but if GD won't come, obviously we all can't fit into Via's Kancil) and GD. We were planning to watch Reincarnation.

So, Bone, Una, Ririn, Nia and Via went off first to get the tickets for the 11.30PM show. Matt, Meju and I had to wait for GD to finish his Baktisiswa meeting. By 10.45PM, we were already on the road. GD doesn't know the road very well and we almost got lost ! We arrived to GSC just in time to buy popcorns and then straight into the cinema.

After 15 minutes of advertisement, came the movie title...

FRAGILE

Eh, I thought we're watching...uh, nevermind...

The movie was good though. I like Callista Flockhart's acting. Every now and then I was analyzing her use of pauses, facial expressions, intonations...the same I did while watching Milla Jovovich's performance in Ultraviolet a few days back.

(I hate to be critical but it comes naturally after 3 years in Acting & Directing course)

I spent I/3 of the movie, peeking from the cover of my jacket...hehehe ! OK, I'm a scaredy-cat...so sue me !

We went to Subaidah after the movie.

ARGHHHHHH !!!! I'm a bit pissed-off with my friends...they tried to 'kenen-kenenkan' me with the Masakan Ala Thai cook just because I said he was cute ! They secretly took his picture for me. They insisted to get his number for me. They even tried to get his Friendster ! It was 15 minutes of torture !

(Note to self: Never be too open when 'puji-puji' someone's appearance, especially when he is a guy and you ARE a guy, and you are around my FRIENDS - names mentioned above)

They did not stop there !

The joke went on until I went to counter to pay the bills - they wanted me to pay for the cook's sirap bandung !

...and a few more minutes after we reached Aman.

ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

But then my heart melted down...with the warmth of appreciation...

Una, Via, Ririn and Nia - The Narsis they call themselves - gave me a brown Mr. Bean pillow as a farewell gift !

AWWWW...SO SWEET !

I hugged the pillow.

I almost cried.

I was so overwhelmed.

And I can only say, THANK YOU.

TO UNA, VIA, RIRIN AND NIA - I LOVE YOU ALL !!!

P/S: That 'someone' SMSed me on my way to Gurney Plaza. He insisted me for a dinner with his uncle this coming Thursday. Oh, well...

Poem for my friends...

2006-04-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

This one for Una

[Adanya kamu...]

Kita kan saling meninggalkan
kisah kita nanti pasti berbeda
ikut jalanan takdirnya
yang menyatukan
cuma kita adalah teman
kau tak bisa menyusuliku
aku tak tahu mengatur langkah ke depan
lalu kita jalan berganding
sama berpimpin tangan
kita tersenyum, tertawa
pernah kita menangis, kecewa
tapi di sisiku ada kamu
dan kau menompang di bahuku

aku mengenalmu
seperti melihat diriku dalam cermin
tapi senyummu lebih manis
kalau takdir kita tak bersua lagi
berjauh sekadar di mata
dalam hatiku tetap kamu

aku ingat akan senyummu.

Halim Toha (6.02, 24 April 2006)

This is for Ririn

[Warna Pelangi]

Hari mendung
rintik hujan terbit di kaca
kita di jendela
kau bertanya sendiri: di mana matahari ?
cahaya di balik awan
pecah jadi pelangi tujuh warna
kau bertanya lagi: di mana hujungnya ?
dari hatiku ke hatimu, jawabku
tapi warnanya...
...dari matamu
...bicaramu
...senyummu
...tawamu
...sedihmu
...harapanmu
...cintamu
tersimpul satu
jadi dirimu.

(Halim Toha, 2.02AM 25 APRIL 2006)

Selamat Malam, sweet love

2006-04-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

Bulan, aku ingin pesan
kirimkan cahayamu
masuk ke jendelanya
dan terangi wajahnya yang sedang lelap
biar mimpinya indah
tiada gelap
dia akan senyum
tiada racau
dia akan bahagia
taburkan lagi bintang-bintang di rambutnya
jadi kilau yang memandu
nanti datangnya angin
bawa bisik dariku
aku cinta kamu.

[23/4, 3.41AM]

Examination Blues Ends !

2006-04-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hahahah !

Finally...my last paper, VLB 226 - Sejarah Teater Barat !

I've done it !

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!

I'm bored !

2006-04-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm bored !

That's it.

End of story.

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

2006-04-21T03:29:00.000-07:00

No mood to revise...

Not enough money...

Almost always lonely...

I'm sick !

But nobody cares...

Nobody notices...

Nobody understands.

Of hi-tea

2006-04-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

I will pick u up at 1245 like dat

I got the message from Adeline around 9.57AM. Wallauwey ! The hi-tea is at 3PM...why go so early ? And it's still ON...albeit the late confirmation from Mamaliza (she only called me about it at 9.22AM !)

Luckily I had my brown shirt washed and dried up last night. So I ironed it. 10.15AM...still so early. I went back to slumberland...

Woke up again at 12.15PM, had a long bath and get ready...

Adel only arrived around 1.20PM, she had to do some last-minute errand for the hi-tea (buying souvenirs for the lecturers). She explained about the 'earliness'...she had to go to Mary Schnieder's house to pick-up her script for a Saturday's performance...a book launch or something... We stopped at Mary's place and then, off to Tanjung Bungah Hotel.

It started to rain when we arrived.

We got the souvenirs all ready and waited.

The hi-tea started only arond 3.30PM...with Mamaliza, Kak Nik, Kak Ani, Bg.Eddie, Kak Tini, Bg.Mohsain, Bg.Azhar, Jas, Bg. Majah, Suria, Yusri, Dett, Lini, Tini, Salman, Amil, Adel, Sam and me...but not all the lecturers came.

We attacked the luncheon ! I haven't had breakfast and lunch (what time you wake up la...), the rain made me hungrier. The food was nice. I especially love the wheat porridge.

And then came the speeches, from Dr.Hardy, Dr.Bob, Dr.Kipli and En.Roslan. Dr.Samad made his through Adel's phone. He couldn't make it because it was raining heavily at his place in Sg.Petani. Mamaliza as the student's representative made her speech too.

We salam the lecturers, and with each other... It was kind of...sad. A bittersweet sadness...with all the memories, the three years we've been together as coursemates and friends...and family.

Of all the people, Dett was the least I suspected to cry...and yet, he did ! I remain composed all the while though at times I too was smitten by the emotions. But I have to maintain macho la, with all the time I took to iron my shirt and the hairdo...heheh !

After the lecturers left...we had all the opportunity for picture-taking. We spent almost an hour just for that...with all the crazy poses, until it was time to say goodbye.

I only arrived at Aman around 7PM.

And it still drizzled a bit...much like what was inside my heart all the time.

One more paper to go...

2006-04-18T02:41:00.000-07:00

Hafilah gave me a wake up call around 10.07AM. Daus, my roomate has already gone to the exam hall, battling off his paper. We slept at around 4AM, he studied and I was tossing around on the bed...trying to sleep with the lights on. Daus finally gave in...he slumbered off while I thought he was still scrambling with the notes...

In the drowziness, I turned on the PC...and had a sing-along session for an hour or so, did 30 push-ups, while belek-belek my HTV201 - Teknik Berfikir's notes.

After Zuhur, I went to exam hall...just 5 minutes walk from Aman Damai.

I took my sit in DP B...staring nervously at the question paper. I made several mistakes while filling the attendance slip...my mind was slipping elsewhere...

At 2.15, we started. We had to answer three questions out of six. I had just enough points...

The hall was so cold...

My fingers were almost numb... Most of the time, I scrutinized my ugly writing...knowing that Dr. Bob will have difficulty deciphering it. My points weren't that concrete either. My answers were just 'touch-n-go's.

Well, I only studied for one day !

But, I survived...

One more paper...VLB226 - Sejarah Teater Barat on the 26th.

Oh, boy...

Owhh...I'm hungry !

2006-04-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting for my nasi ayam kunyit...while sguabbling pieces of garlic bread, dipped in hot mushroom soup...courtesy of Raps.

And to think I'm borrowing people's money to buy myself lunch and dinner these few days...

I'm hungry, still...

And they left me...feeling lonely

2006-04-16T06:01:00.000-07:00

The basic language of a human being is emotion.

An Indonesian friend of mine asked me when I told her that I've read her online journal (written mostly in Bahasa Indonesia), "Kau faham ke ?" I said, "Of course ! Blog kan bahasa asasnya emosi..."

Though sometimes I struggled to comprehend the chunks of her writing...I know, I understand and I share the emotions within the sentences. As an actor, while doing character study...I'm always intrigued and fascinated by the way people show, share and even hide the range of personal emotions, having to confront other different emotions from people around them. I love to observe all this...in all sorts of way, like (mostly) listening to people, talking with them, watching them react to the surrounding stimuli... In the process, I learn to understand them more...my friends, my foes...the people I care. I do understand them, I always try to understand them...and I care for them.

However, I always managed to hide my own emotions, feelings... More often than not, I do show them to people (rather intentionally)...but people could only generalize them (of what I'm feeling) as "You look sad" or "Happy jer..." They couldn't understand more than that...

Is it because I'm too reserved ?

And at the end of the day...they left me...

It's always like that...like a curse...

Of Epic and Life Disorders

2006-04-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

~ Generally speaking, the term "epic" refers to movies that have a large scope, often taking place during time of war or other conflict, that take place over a considerable period of time and/or place. A historical setting is commonplace, though fantasy/science fiction settings are also common. Usually they consist of a set goal or journey ("quest") that the characters are trying to achieve over the course of the film ~ (Wikipedia)

That sums up my whole life's journey...for 22 years, going to places as far as I could...meeting numerous, colorful people, being friends with them...having conflicts, intermingling reality with fantasy...and hope.

I look back and remonded myself of the 'disorders' I often had throughout the years, especially here in USM...mood disorder(more often than not), sleeping disorder (I'm a student...DUHHH !), eating disorder (linked to the sleeping disorder), hormones disorder (err...no comment)...study disorder, personality disorder (I acted for a plays)...the list goes on...

Well, I may be exaggerating it but hey, it's my life !